Somebody shake me, please

I've been thinking lots about blogging lately. But what to blog about? Winter break is here, and I haven't seen law school folk for some time (thank god). It's funny the way people in my law school life wax and wane in and out of favor. There are a few people I'm keeping in touch with via gchat and e-mail, and then others who I used to chat with multiple times a day, in person or over the internets, and right now they are the last people I want to hear from. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about blogging - about how I could blog about that importance and lack thereof of people one meets in law school. I mean, in a certain sense, we are all creeps. It gives me the chills just to think I share any personality traits with these people - yuck. But it must be true. I wonder if they had a blog, if it would look similar to mine? Whining about me and other classmates? Crying about poor grades and lack of a job? The smart ones - they aren't blogging at all. They are too busy with their top law firm wine and cheese mixers or playing World of Warcraft, or something, whilst I'm addicted to solitaire and pyramids, blogging about nothing just to avoid getting things done. Sorry 'bout that, folks.

Anyway, I searched for my favorite poem today. It's one I have fond memories of my alcoholic mother reading to me when I was little. I thought the way she read it was really entertaining, the funny facial expressions she associated with each line of prose. Now I know she was two shits to the wind (or is it sheets? hmmm) and about to pass out. Being in such a mental state is helpful to a dramatic reading of a poem. I can't dramatically read anything - I'm far too self conscious. Knowing alcohol helped my mom along, though, that makes me feel better about my inability.

But anyway, here is the poem. Enjoy!

The missing element from that equation is a photographic memory. Of which, I do not have. But of all the students I have polled who are in the top 5% - they all claim to have a photographic memory. Maybe they do not actually have photographic memories; perhaps their claim is only a sign of their inflated egos and over-confidence, and thus their belief that they possess everything. Who knows.

I am stressing over here. I'm working very hard, but I don't think this should pan out for me. I desperately need to climb myself into the top 3rd of the class, and it is so within my reach, I just worry I won't be able to pull it off.

I am thisclose to being done with finals, but I still have to complete my comment for the journal. Not really looking forward to that. Thus, when I'm done, I'm not really done.

And so ends another pointless blog from yours truly. Kisses!

My lack of motivation last time is being made up for. I've been getting up when it is still dark outside, and putting in a solid 12-14 hours of studying per day if not more.

After my last post, I had the quintessential come-to-jesus moment in which I realized I'm paying heck of a lot of money to not care. Hence the forcing myself up when my eyes are still glued shut. Painful, yes, but also necessary.

As a bonus, I have one little tidbit of advice that has been invaluable to me in outlining: write your outlines in IRAC form or some way where it walks through the concept's analysis. Putting a bunch of cases and rules isn't going to help you as much as you would think - if you have to spend a lot of time thinking about how to organize your answer, that's time wasted.

Hear that? That's the sound of me taking a final unstressed and not so well prepared. Oops.

First one is today, and it's the worst one - so I'm happy to get it over with early.

Good grief - I cannot wait until next semester. Then I will be more than half way done.

Good luck to all my law school compadres on finals!

PS: I just looked up "compadre" and apparently it not only means friend and classmate, but "godfather" like figure.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, looks like people really are reacting to the recession. I don't know if anyone else is an ABA Journal subscriber, you may have seen this today. The short of it is that the number of LSAT takers is up 20% from last year, and maybe, just maybe, not all of these people taking the exam should go to law school (shocker).

I'm glad there is already a shortage of jobs for current law school grads, and still people are turning to law school to fight for positions amongst even more people and stiffer competition. And, of course, the schools will increase admission because they all need the tuition dollars. Le sigh.

School

Right now I'm just focusing on finals...finals this time around are really not as exciting. Last year I totally let myself get consumed in the process, and I studied my ass off - now I'm just sorta half-assing it, "phoning it in," as some say. Working so hard didn't get me anywhere - so let's see what this strategy brings me.

Life

It seems like all of those I've kept in touch with that are not in law school are moving on with their lives and meeting all of those great life goals - marriage, kids, buying houses (this is strange to me that anyone can afford a house in this crappy economy - I know they are cheaper, but the lending problem AND the fact that no one is making much money nowadays), doing shit in general. Sometimes it makes me feel really unaccomplished by comparison, I'm just in law school, and life is almost at a stand still until this process is over and I pass the bar.

I think I've been completely forgotten about by my immediate family. They used to get really upset if I didn't call them to keep in touch - but now I call weekly and leave messages and no one gets back to me. This should make Thanksgiving pretty awkward when I show up and they say, "OH YEAH WE REMEMBER YOU!" I understand though, many more important things are happening in their lives, like marriage/babies/companies failing. Which reminds me...I totally missed my brothers birthday. Crap.

Love

I have two funny situations happening right now. Let's start with douche-of-the-year guy, who I drunkenly made out with at one point, and who goes to my law school. I can't remember if I blogged about this already, but I've definitely thought about it because it's such a fucked up story (in my eyes). I don't know if the gals that read this blog are familiar with what douches do after a drunken make-out session, but in my experience, they end up thinking that the girl is pretty much in love with them, and if they don't feel the same way but realize that they likely made the chick feel like a huge slut, they will offer to take the girl out on a date. This is known as the "guilt date." Douche-of-the-year definitely offered this to me, to which I politely declined. Douche-of-the-year later spoke to me all about how he was so drunk he doesn't remember making out with me at all, but he's sure it happened. Yes, douche, you made out with me. Not only that, you tried to do more, IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE BAR FULL OF PEOPLE. Your hands went places that I'm embarrassed to talk about, to which I promptly ended things and went home by myself. So, upon the date offer, of course I declined - I am not interested in tools like you. The make out sesh was fun before it got close to date rape (and I repeat, IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE BAR FULL OF PEOPLE), and I left (because that's what smart girls do). Anyway, Douche, when I see him, is always "happy" to see me and greets me with a really creepy hug (why I oblige I am unsure). So months have passed since the drunk make out sesh and I honestly couldn't give a flying fuck about him (and he's a douche partly because I'm sure he thinks I'm in love with him), and I come to find out he's been telling women that actually ARE in love with him about what happened. I, of course, kept my mouth shut about what happened and hoped for the best that no one saw us that night. So anyway, douche has been going around bragging about this shit making ME look like one of his harem of girls that is in love with him. I'm sorry, Douche - but you are worlds away from what I would ever consider a man worthy of falling for. If I was "in love" with you, I would have accepted your guilt-date offer. But I didn't.

Okay, now onto the guy who sent flowers. I'm a little peeved by this guy. There are reasons I have for not seeing this turn into a solid relationship, mostly pertaining to his complete incapability of showing any human emotion in person - he's a pretty dead-pan kinda guy, I don't think he is even capable of smiling. He's a hot piece of ass though, so I'm gonna keep him around (can you blame me?). Plus, the sex is great (sorry if that was tmi). He's pretty much the perfect example of a joke women have about men - he totally thinks he's in control of this situation him and I have started, and I let him believe that - but he has no fucking idea that I don't take the freak seriously at all. Anyway, I pretty much never answer the phone when he calls, and wait a couple days before I call him back. If he texts, he gets no response cause I hate that shit - don't text me, call me.

What drives me nuts is his holier-than-thou attitude about everything. He is extremely judgmental. When I'm with him, I find myself defending his friends, his family, his housemates, everyone. It used to make me wonder what crappy things he thought about me, but then I realized he probably doesn't even talk about me to anyone because he's so consumed by his awesome perception of himself. This guy tried to hide me once. What the fuck? I've met many people he hangs out with, and he tried to fucking hide me? What is your deal, dude. He's lucky he's a good lay or I'd be outta there already.

Douche-of-the-year and Mr. Self Centered, and all the people in my life getting married/having babies/DOING SHIT, have made me realize that I am so ready to be in a committed relationship with someone - I am just fucking tired of dating. I want someone to share my victories with, and someone to cheer on - I can't do that with Mr. Self Centered, because I'm so much less than him in his eyes, nothing I do could ever measure up.

In Conclusion, I really just have no more to say on these topics, except, Fuck School, Fuck Life, Fuck Men.

Alright enough whinin' and complainin' for now.

I don't have much insight to offer on the topic of jobs (as I do not have one), but since the economy is in the pooper and many people are feeling it for real now, I thought it might be worthy of a post.

First, the outlook is bad at my law school. Many people I know do not have jobs, nor any possibility of a job for the summer. Further, most 3rd years I know have nothing lined up, with the Bar exam looming for them next summer. We had a pretty decent OCI showing at my law school, too - but they only seemed to call back minorities or those with the highest GPA. Of those people, it is looking like the GPA won out over being a minority. I know of a few people who had cushy jobs over the summer, but were threatened with raising-their-grades-or-else ultimatums. I am not sure of what has come of this. I had a nice cushy job last summer in an area of law I do not wish to practice in. While they gave me an offer to stay on during the school year, there was no promise of work for next summer - and frankly, I would kinda like to get away from that field.

Anyhow, people talk about jobs at my law school. I know of a couple people who have offers but are a little shy to talk about them because they don't want to upset anyone or rub it in anyone's face that they actually have an offer when the reality is, the great majority of us do not. Mostly, however, the great majority of us just laugh at ourselves and the shitty situation and push the job-worry to the back of our minds because finding a free lunch on campus is more important, and after that we worry about exams. I have friends at other law schools that have said it's pretty brutal right now - no one talks about jobs at all because the presumption is no one has one.

To deal with the poopy economy, the career office has put together a special little "committee" to try and come up with strategies to help us get jobs. I've never known a committee to ever actually do anything, so it seems to me their purpose is more to give us students the idea that they are doing something. For all we know, they sit in a conference room once a month and play poker. I have no idea what goes on at their meetings. No one does.

There are the usual resume-workshops and "How to find a job" panel discussions every now and then, but all of these strategies don't really seem to be working for anyone. Frankly, I'm scared. I think law school is a horrible investment, and I wouldn't advise a single soul to enter school - be it a top 10 or not - right now. The job market isn't what it used to be, and it's fucking expensive.

My strategy right now is to reach out to the places I worked before law school began - something I never wanted to have to do. But I'm going to do it. It's that bad.

If that doesn't work, I am going to try and get a job at the law firm I worked at over the summer. And if that fails, I will be working for free - if I can nail down one of those jobs, that is.

It's tough out there. I hope it gets better, but I think my class is pretty much fucked.

I have been thinking a lot lately about pain, hurt, tail-between-legs-and-head-hung-low reactions.

I know what pain causes - rifts in friendships, buried ill-will, silent treatments, shit-talking, ball-busting, name-calling. I know from experience on both sides, as I'm sure we all do.

It's always been a challenge for me to move on when I'm hurt by someone. Probably because I can't ever seem to muster up the courage to confront the problem. I know I will come off mad if I try. Instead, I bury, and avoid. And the other person reacts accordingly.

The test of true friendship in my world is when someone confronts me about what's going on, and tries to see my perspective - in spite of the challenge that brings. I've had one person in law school pass that "test." Not that I'm trying to test everyone.

I think part of my problem is that I am older than many of my law school counterparts. I mean, there are people in law school that were born in 1988. That's young. I haven't been forced to deal with silly bullshit like this since high school - which of course everyone says about law school (frankly, I'm tired of that comparison, it has become so cliche). I think it's sad. We all say "Law school is like high school" and move on as if that explains it and solves the problem. Why can't everyone just grow up a little bit, and recognize you are in a professional school, building professional relationships, and cut the crap. Why are we judged for not forging lasting relationships in law school? Surely our experience outside of law school should count for something inside law school.

No surprises here, I hate this place. I don't hate the people, but I hate the way they treat one another. I hate the way they find any excuse to get drunk and call it "socializing." I hate how the Student Bar Association only organizes events centering around alcohol consumption, and how the president is clearly in need of therapy and probably a stint in rehab. I hate how I'm only spoken to by people when they have no one else to speak to. I hate how I am judged by the guy who sits behind me when I check my personal e-mail on my computer, "I sit behind you, I know what you are doing." (Dude, shut the fuck up. I'm on top of my shit, get on top of yours and stop computer stalking me.) I hate how people are used by one another to get ahead - where they tolerate you for your smarts, your outline, your supplements, or your family who is comprised of hiring partners (mine is not).

The worst of it is, I know these aren't bad people. I know they are good, and capable of many awesome accomplishments or already have a few under their belts. But for some reason, when in this experience together, it brings out the worst. Anyway, it isn't one person who is hurting me, it's the combination of everyone, together, going through this grind, that is hurtful. I don't know if anyone else feels like it's one against everyone else, but that's what it feels like to me.

I've never felt this alone before in law school. Incidentally, this explains my blogging return.

*I never claimed to only post about law school, although this one is related as it has to do with the rollercoaster of law school friendships. I am not proud of all of this whining I've been doing, but I think others might be experiencing similar plights, and with that in mind, I write about it.

I've never been one to have a bunch of friends. There were points when I just friggin loved everyone, and was quite happy with my social life.

This is not one of those times.

I am so tired of the same old crap people pull. I'm tired of the dorm roommate syndrome, which makes all of us who see each other a lot get sick of one another and act like pissy little brats. I'm tired of passive aggressive bullshit. Girls, get yourselves together. Realize who has been there for you, and who has not. Cherish the friendships you have, and treat those nearest and dearest with respect, and give your friends the benefit of the doubt. I know to many people, what I'm saying here is obvious. This is what friends do. But girls in law school are a different breed. Or, at least the girls in my law school.

When I sense someone is tired of me, or holding in some anger towards me for whatever reason, I completely back off. Unless you are going to woman up and TALK to me about it, I can't help you.

The good news, I'm looking forward to spending time with old friends. Not that I have a ton, but I've kept a few from before law school (besides family). And the space I have now between me, and the law school b.s. is good - I study, I sleep, I rely on myself, and I'm generally a happy person around the law school halls.

The bad news, I myself hold a grudge against those that passive-agressively hate me. I'm going to need a lot of coercing to be a true friend when they have no one to talk to.

I apologize if that didn't make a whole lotta sense, but good grief women, band together - now is not a time to abandon one another!

In other news - general question for my reader(s): Best Evidence supplement?

I know, I know, I know - I'm dramatic. Just bear with me. This will be quick and painless.

I'm done with my law review assignment. By done, I mean, I put in about 20 percent of the effort that is required, and turned in a few pieces of paper with tidbits of research.

This is after I spent all weekend "working" on it. And by "working," I of course mean watching random You Tube videos, stalking people on Facebook, and running away from my psycho cat who is in the midst of a biting-playfully-yet-painfully phase.

I'm actually pleased with my mood right now. I couldn't give two shits about what I just turned in. It isn't for a grade. I know I could have turned in something better, but my priorities right now are the classes that count. My apologies to the prestigious-and-all-important law review people. I'll give you a bit more attention after finals are over, promise.

Also, in regards to the flower incident, I've been lusting and listening to love songs. It's okay, I vomited too - all over myself and my new iTune's playlist. I'll get over it. Ooh - I am even looking forward to the bitter phase after I realize this is all a ploy to get in my pants! Ahhh, to look forward to things...such a gift.

Oh, and another thing - two posts in two days? Weird.

I've had many (mis?)adventures since the pizza roll and beer diet that was sparked by my last post. And I apologize to my reader, who's been lost without me, I'm sure.

This has been a tough semester. I think Law School Confidential sums up 2L as the "work you to death" year (I don't know if this phrase is as cliche to anyone else, but good grief people get over it...we work hard, let's leave it at that). This is true (although I'm tired of being reminded of this) for me. I'm working harder than last year. I'm more involved and have Law Review and Moot Court to worry about, which are two activities that give automatic As, and yet the work you put in surely should deserve more than that - maybe some candy and flowers?

And then there are the usual classes. I'm taking two bar courses, which really aren't as hard as they are annoying. No, I don't really want to outline every concept after I learn it. Nor do I want the professor to schedule in make-up classes for every class he must miss. It isn't that I fail to appreciate the effort of this professor, but my time is limited and every minute of every day is thoroughly scheduled. I could use a spare hour and thirty minutes for another activity - sleep, maybe. My non-bar courses aren't easy, but I'm treating them as though they are. I'm sure my GPA will kick me for it later. (Sorry; you were never that good to me anyway.) In fact, I've only read for the cases I was already tested on for one class (which won't reappear on the final). That's it. No more. This should be an interesting result. I'll keep you posted.

So, I sit here this Sunday, with cheery/cheesy christmas music playing. It's nice to have it in the background, pumping me through my law review assignment that must-get-done-before-tomorrow. I probably should have started this earlier...but my motivation is low; so low, I felt like blogging. And, apparently, I don't feel like blogging much.

Well...anyway, I sit here this Sunday, after what has been a mother-effin-crazy couple of months. I think I'm four or five emotional melt downs in, I've lost my healthy glow from the cushy summer job (and all the money I earned from said job). OCI's didn't result in anything but rejections for me, which I'm strangely okay with. And I'm feeling pretty low, hopeless, etc.

But, for real...I sit here this Sunday, with enough time to spare to blog. I've been condescended, called names, taken advantage of - in many, oh-so-many, ways, torn down, appreciated, underappreciated, thanked, told "no thanks," been through two mini-apartment disasters, offered unsolicited advice, been the object of rumors and desire of strange men, and ultimately beaten to a pulp by the strange goings on in my life.

But as I sit here today, there are fresh flowers on my kitchen table. And I look at these flowers - the first bouqet I didn't buy for myself since I moved - and I'm in a little bit of awe. It is strange to me. This flower sending concept. I've seen it done on TV, in movies, and for others. I know it is completely normal. But the only flowers I've received before this were to soften my reaction to hard-to-take news. I appreciate the thought behind the sending of these flowers. But it is odd that I am on the receiving end of a "tradition" men hold of sending women flowers, just because. And in conjunction with my totally fucked up Law School "Life," it is almost humorous that the dating aspect of my life is going so well - or so I think, as evidenced by these flowers. I'm not even trying to date successfully. In fact, I've seen the sender of these flowers maybe 5 times in the last 3 months. I almost blogged about the sender the day after I met him. But I didn't have the words...I was infatuated (at the time, now I'm somwhere between like and indifference). Then I got busy. Now I have flowers. Weird.

But you know what...I'm going to categorize this as a dating success. And if I fail at everything else, at least my dating life is going seemingly well.

Anyway. That's enough of that. I'll be back soon with some interesting anecdotes on why Law School Life should never be confused with Real Life. Happy November.

I went to the grocery store and picked up a 12 pack of beer and the monster size package of pizza rolls.

There is some back-to-school shopping for ya.

Hello again, reader.

This post is probably most relevant to the 0L's, as I'm going to address the grades/studying/performance aspect of law school. To all those who've been through their first year and beyond, this is likely to be rather uninteresting for you, so be warned. However I promise to write about some of the crazy characters I mentioned in my last post tonight, so stay tuned!

Okay, 1Ls, listen up! It's really a simple equation you need to remember: motivation + real studying = success. You need both. Motivation is hard to garner, and studying for real is even tougher with all of the distractions out there. I sucked at the real studying part, but I had a lot of motivation.

First, Motivation:
I actually wrote myself a letter before I started law school that I was to read after my first semester, after grades came out, to kind of remind myself of why I was actually in law school - that was a smart move. Law school is so all consuming that often you are thinking so much about the elements of a contract or strict products liability for so long that is literally all you think about. You fail to remember why you are even in law school. Do not forget your personal motivation for pursuing a law degree. If you keep remembering why you are there, you will try harder and make contacts that are meaningful. Talk to professors about your reasons for going to law school, they know a lot of people and can probably help you reach your goals or talk you through the right/wrong reasons to get your JD (although I don't want to say that there are "wrong" reasons, but a lot of people think there are - so be prepared).

Remind yourself of why you are in law school every day, and limit the self-deprecating crap (it's hard to do...). Most of the females I have met in law school have severe problems with self esteem and that only makes this whole process harder - but there is something that made you apply to law school and something that your school saw in you to invite you to join their class, and remember that. Don't walk around like an entitled prick, but don't spend too much time putting yourself down. Be humble and goal oriented. Talk to your family as often as you can, and keep in touch with all of your old friends - when you are down and out, they are the ones that are so proud of you and will be able to bring you up. Don't count on your law school friends to help you here, because they are struggling themselves and often can't be of much assistance.

Write affirmations, use motivational quotes in your notes, make pretty outlines in pastel colors, whatever it takes to get you through it. Without motivation, you will likely sit on facebook for 12 hours a day, and watch re-runs of Charm School instead of studying. I speak from experience here.

Now, "real" studying:
Real studying means sitting down with your books, shutting your cell-phone off, not accessing the internet, and getting solid hours of straight studying in with minimal distractions. The more distracted you are, or the more you do while you study, the more distracted your learning is and the more messy the information in your brain will be.

Instead of nailing the small stuff, memorizing, and piecing it all together, and then sitting back and looking at the big picture - applying the rules you learn to situations you have heard about or thinking about how it actually works in "The Real World" - many students fret over the tiny pieces and their knowledge ends up as just that - a bunch of tiny puzzle pieces strewn about in your brain, unorganized and a mess. Sure, you know everything you need to know, but you may not know the order or the reason - which means you won't be able to do the most important part, the application. So challenge yourself once you know a concept to apply it to a situation, try writing about it, think about situations you have heard of. Watch Judge Judy. Watch the law shows (although I may be the only law student I know that does not watch Law and Order or any of those ridiculous imitations of real "lawyers" and "law" in action). Watch those shows to see if you can tell when the law you've learned is being applied right and wrong.

Do hypotheticals. Talk through them with your friends. Write sample answers and try and read as many sample answers as you can - this is probably the most important part. If you don't know how to write a law school exam, you will be rather unhappy with your end results.

Don't just assume you know the answer to any question posed in class or on an exam. You want to make sure you see both sides to every story, and make sure you take note when a professor assigns cases that come up with different results using the same rule, or when two cases apply different rules for the same problem. You are likely to be tested on it and to apply both rules, and come up with what you think the answer probably is, but also address the other side to the story. Never give a one-sided perspective.

Talk about this stuff with confidence, and when you can't - acknowledge that an area is your weak point and work on it.

Do the CALI lessons on the concepts you learn in class.

Take notes by hand, and type them into your computer the same day you take them. Don't bring your computer to campus or class unless you must.

That's all I have for now...but motivation and real studying are the two things I think you really need to do well. Law school is hard, but it is doable. You just have to make sure you get the job done.

I was thinking today about where I was a year ago from this day...

I was looking forward to my four year anniversary with my now ex-boyfriend.
I was looking forward to law school and really pumped to perform well.
I was anxious to move, and excited to meet new people.
I was envisioning where I would be right now...how proud I would be of myself.

There are numerous problems with thinking about where I was a year ago - all stemming from what happened in between then and now. The real gist of it is that I am not proud of myself at all, from more than just my performance in law school. I once was told that law students - former and current - carried scars with them from this whole experience, but I always brushed off those comments thinking that I knew how tough it was to work hard in school. I didn't realize that what those people meant goes deeper than working yourself to the bone. Sure, it all stems from law school. But the problems caused by law school, for me at least, are not contained within the walls of law school.

Ultimately, as my recent blogs indicate, I feel like a piece of shit. I will start with the first problem - the end of my long term relationship. I was the hugest proponent of thinking I could make my relationship work even though we would be in two different cities, and even though I would be working my ass off and not have much spare time, and even though nearly everyone told me I should not expect to make this relationship work while I was in law school. I was in love, I had spent nearly four years with the guy, and it was not as though we would be across the continent from one another. We'd only be hours away by car. I thought our relationship could withstand that. And to be completely honest, I thought that I would be the glue holding our relationship together, because I had done it before. I was cheated on by Long Term guy about 3 years ago, almost to the day. That means it was two years into our relationship. He didn't tell me for a looong time afterward, and my reaction to his confession was to hold him and tell him I understood why it happened, that I was hurt, but that I wanted to be there for him. When he told me he cheated, he told me for the sole purpose of breaking up with me. It was his reason. I wasn't ready - so I forced him to stay with me, our relationship grew a lot closer, and we stayed together. I thought we worked past it together then, but to be honest, I don't really know if that is true. I don't want to relive all of that, because it was a horrible experience, but the point was (although maybe it was lost) that I kept us together. Therefore I thought I could make it work during law school.

WRONG. I gave up once I moved and started law school. I know exactly why I gave up - I gave up for the possibility that there may be someone else out there. When I got to law school, my self esteem was low (it's always been low). I thought my ex was the best I could do. I wasn't particularly attracted to him like I thought I should be, but I absolutely loved him for who he was. There were things I didn't like about him, but I dealt with them and chalked it up to love not being what it's made out to be in movies. When I started law school, I was asked out on more dates than ever in my life (and let me tell you, it wasn't very many dates). I was flustered and thought that maybe I was selling myself short. I realized I wanted to have fun and party with my new friends, that I didn't want any responsibility (like having to report back to a boyfriend). He became a chore to me. I ended it.

I am not proud of how I came to that decision. When people whom I normally considered out of my league became interested in me, it went straight to my head. I reasoned with myself that this was the time to try something new; that now was the last time I could break up with a long term boyfriend and have the result be better. The hand dealt to me at this time was good.

That decision led to a series of poor decisions - Bobble-head guy, Stalker guy, and Creepster - just to name a few. [Bobble head guy presents a problem to this day. :( ]

I think now that if I had just stayed with the long term guy...I'd be in a better place. I'd have a support system locked in, and something I could depend upon. I would have a system in place to deal with all of the stress law school brings. I would have someone to celebrate my victories with, and someone to cry over my defeats to. But then again, I still desire something more than what I had with the long-term...I am only afraid that now that will never happen. Mostly, however, I am not proud of what I did to him. I forced him to go through something probably worse than what I went through after he cheated on me. I did to him what I thought I wasn't capable of - and I didn't cheat to do it. I just made a selfish decision. That is what I'm downright ashamed of. (Some of this is even evidenced by old posts from the fall of 08...).

This all sprung from me thinking of where I was a year from now...next post I will write about how disappointed I am in myself for my performance on the academic front. The moral of the story for all of this is that I am not pleasing the person I used to be before law school started, and that is really getting to me right now. It makes me wonder why I am doing this at all. As much as I love studying law, weaving law into neat little persuasive packages for my benefit, writing about law, and arguing over the details...at what expense am I pursuing this?

I do promise some funny stories on Bobble-head, Stalker, and Creepster...so stay tuned. Afterall, I must find something humorous in all of this in order for it to be worthwhile.

Thank you all for your kind words! Wow. I've been feeling like a real non-winner lately, and I took a short reprieve from the blog to come back to all of your wonderful comments. So - seriously - thank you. I actually logged on tonight to blog about how I am not going to blog anymore, but now I think I've changed my mind.

....and I would like to cancel my moment of happiness upon checking my ranking. Hmm. I am in the top 50%.

Good grief. My grades did take a nose dive. Sucks.

I am so aggravated right now. Sometimes life just can't give a person a break.

I feel like an old piece of gum on the bottom of someone's shoe. And that someone just stepped in dog crap.

Work
I am not sure about this place. It is awesome and I am very lucky to be working here, but I do not think I am cut out for the type of lawyer they are seeking. I have had three interesting research assignments outside of the usual summarizing they ask me to do, and on two of them I feel as though I have failed miserably. Why am I so incompetent at researching? Thank you, second-rate law school. I now have an equal disdain for both Lexis Nexis and Westlaw. I am also the only clerk that is not from a top 10 law school. And my law school is much further down in the ranks, and every time I tell everyone where I go, I get half-confused, half offended looks: "Oh, I think I've heard of that law school. Interesting. Hmm." Subsequently, I walk away in shame.

School
I have not reached a single goal of mine that I set before I came to law school. First, my GPA is in the pooper. Second, I didn't even try for Law Review or a journal. Worse than not trying is that I did try and then I proceeded to miss the deadlines for turning in my work. Why is a deadline so hard for me to meet? I have always been one to be on top of that type of thing, and for some reason it is all falling apart in front of me. And third, my grades are already worse than I expected with only two reported. Good news is, I did not fail that class. I came very close, but I did not fail. For the first time in a loooong time, I am considering dropping out of law school, thanks to my crappy results and crappy job performance.

Life
This summer so far is kicking my ass. My family is upset because they thought I might be more available in the summer, but it turns out work is taking up much more time than I anticipated. Furthermore, a good law school friend of mine went off the deep end and is proceeding to shart all over me and my former law school social life. And the little punk is still on top of classes. I do not get it. In the mean time, I am looking for another place to live that is reasonably priced.

Bottom line: Why is everything so difficult for me? Why do I try so hard and have nothing to show for it? No one cares about effort. So frusterated.

I've been tagged! I love these things...(thanks lawful lady!) Here it is, The Best and the Worst of my first year in law school.

Best memory: I have two great memories, and I can't choose between them. The first occurred mid-first semester, when a group of about 10 of us went out to dinner and a bar, and sang karaoke at the top of our lungs. At that point, I knew that some of the people in my class were real gems that would stay in my life for a long time. It also helped me feel like I was a part of something, and like I had friends and people that liked me. I blogged about the trials and tribulations of first semester, but that night was awesome and something I will always remember fondly.

The next memory that was great was when I checked grades and had an A. I never thought I could ever get an A in anything in law school, and the fact that I pulled that off really gave me a huge sense of accomplishment.

Worst memory: First semester was a really rocky ride for me, and this post comes to mind when I think of my worst memory because it sums up all the mistakes I made that only weakened my spirit. There isn't one thing I can point to that stands out because I messed up so many times over my first year, that I think the result is really what's horrible. Result being my rock bottom self-worth. While I know in my head that I have a lot going for me, for some reason after everything, law school has left me feeling hopeless.

Okay, and I'm gonna tag...Laughing.

So, ya, there was a lot of paperwork to be filled out yesterday for sure. However, I also had to sit down and actually work, too.

A million questions come into my head. And I'm afraid to ask them.

Does the firm have an unlimited account with Westlaw?
Am I taking too long on a seemingly simple research task?
How long is too long?
Can I be fired?
Will I be fired?
Please don't fire me!?
How do I make coffee?
Who is the cool secretary that will help me out?
Is there a cool secretary that will help me out?
Should it feel like I'm competing amongst the other clerks or that we are old friends?
If I work overtime, should I actually say so on my timesheet, or should I just put the regular hours and not mention the extra?

I've had a job where they hold your hand through the process, and one where I had to learn on my own. This is the one where I guess I have to learn on my own. Only ask necessary questions. But I really, really want to be introduced to the cool person who will tell me like it is...

I start working today as a summer associate. Oh. My. I'm. Scared. It should be fine. I'll probably just be filling out paperwork...but, still, yikes.

If the first sentence was any indication, I'm done with my first year of law school. For some reason, this day never seemed like it would come. I sorta had this idea that I'd eternally be a 1L. It will be weird going back to school in the fall (should I be invited back) to see a new flock of fresh-faced law students. I imagine it will be much like high school, where I won't believe how young and little they all look.

They told our class last year that we would have trouble finding summer jobs (most of us did, many of us aren't working at all), but by the time we graduated, the economy would be better and we best thank our lucky stars we didn't graduate this year. Is it just me, or does it seem like this whole crappy economy isn't going to go away by 2011?

I came across this post at Starting to Melt, and it is so true. Personally, this whole law school thing has gotten in between me and many friendships. It seems a little unfair, because it is true that some students manage to balance their old lives with their new lives, but for many of us it is truly impossible and we are either neglecting law school (and thus feeling guilty) or neglecting friends and family (and thus feeling guilty). It sucks. And for those that don't understand, or feel that law school should not take priority, or that there are more important things in life...the pressure gets to us, it gets to a lot of people. And our only way to deal is to give up law school, or life, and we constantly swing back and forth, and those in our lives that don't understand or refuse to let us be selfish for a second...don't usually remain in our lives.

I'm not saying that it isn't our fault that we can't handle it, or that we handle it in the ridiculous ways that we do...but a little understanding goes a long way. And for a first year law student - to be selfish is the only way to make it work.

So. I am not through with finals yet.

I felt absolutely fabulous about my last exam. Then, today happened. I realized I missed a big wording difference, and...well, fuck.

Also, the rule that a commenter made about exams, re: don't freak out until you get your grade, or something to that effect - so true. And when I receive the grade in that class...I will let you know if my inclinations are right or wrong. But, as my mom always tells me, my instincts are dead on. Even friends that don't know me very well...my instincts tend to be pretty correct.

However, I vow, that if they are wrong, I will let you all know. I predict, so far, that I will receive a C and a B. I have no clue where I will end up in my writing and research class...everyone I've talked to seems to think they have done well on that exam. So, who knows. I don't want to guess.

Keep truckin' through, everyone!

I can't believe this is almost over...I can't imagine what will be so interesting to blog about next semester, but I'm sure I'll come up with something. As well as some nice tidbits about a employed summer!

Technically I suppose the procedure is different at every law school for the real steps one goes through when failing. Some schools, one failing grade isn't the end-all be all; some schools you need a couple before they will give you extra help; and some schools require you to take a mini-bar exam before they let you back in. I don't seriously think I'll be facing any of these prospects.

Right now, I'm counting my blessings that I have a job, don't have my actual grade in the class (though I'm certain it's going to be a grade that is not passing), and it will *hopefully* be my lowest grade in law school.

So...while I feel defeated by the prospect of receiving a bad grade, I likely earned it since I couldn't write down what I knew on exam day because I was gripped in fear from the questions, I must move on and just chalk it up to a bad day.

If ever encouraging words were needed...now is the time.

What really happens to someone who fails a class in law school?

I didn't think I would face this!

1. I seem to post only when things are going bad. Things aren't all going bad. When I do not post, assume things are good. kthx.
2. I'm studying for finals. Yuck.
3. Property is the worst class of all time and I hate it.
   
4. Tonight, I went to a liquor store to purchase wine. I did this because sometimes, after a long day of studying, I like to reward myself with a fine (read: cheap) glass of red. I put the bottle on the counter, content with my choice and eager to get home, wash my face, throw on some pjs, pour a glass and then curl up in bed with my laptop (oh, how times have changed...)...but before my night could proceed, the cashier asks, "Is this all?" I respond, "Oh yeah, that's it, thank you!" to which he says, "Are you ok?" YEP. Perfectly fine. Until you asked. Can a gal just purchase a single bottle of wine from the liquour store by herself without these questions? Isn't this what liquor stores were made for? The convenient purchase of liquor? I thought so. Please reserve judgment.
   
5. My first year is almost over. Wow.
6. I'm excited for my second year. Particularly because I won't be an uncool 1L again.
   
7. Good day.
   

Law school took a turn for the worse recently.

The social situation got outtacontrol. Seriously. Out. Of. Control.

Lesson to all the 0L's out there:

Law school is a place where you are just beginning your professional career. This means, basically, that your classmates will be your colleagues, maybe even your boss one day. When you are going out and getting trashed, singing "I will survive" at the top of your lungs - keep it classy. This is possible. Do not appear desperate for attention. Do not get a DUI in law school. Do not act irresponsibly. There are so many alcohol events in law school, it is easy, in one night, to lose all respect you had among your peers. Further, there are often DAs, PDs, and attorneys at these events - your reputation starts here.

Further, your professors are just the beginning of your network - they know people. Powerful people. Get to know them. Get them to like you. Most of them don't even care if you don't volunteer in class - go to office hours, e-mail them, get them on your side.

Watch how you act, react, and your words. There is a reason people say law school is like high school, and it isn't only the amount of hooking up that goes on - although that is a lot of it. Part of it is the far reaching rumor mill - people you neverwouldathunk, think something about you. If you walk around, not friendly, secretive, stand-offish...even if you genuinely have good intentions, people are not going to take this well. People who you don't even know exist.

So be wise, 0Ls. Next year, when you embark on what could turn in to the best year or the worst year of your life, be aware of what you do, what you say, your facial expressions, and who you associate with. It is absolutely possible to fly under the radar. But I think the best place to be is everyone's friend. Be a person that you would want to befriend - don't be fake, be yourself - but don't be disrespectful. Don't go an get trashed, and expect no one to know about how drunk you were, the next day, or next week. You don't want to be known by your fellow colleagues, as an alcoholic, or someone who is out of control. You also don't necessarily want to be known as stiff or not willing to have a good time. Find a balance. There are plenty of sober people in law school who are a lot of fun. But don't put yourself in a position where you have lost a significant amount of respect. Respect is key. Earn it. (You don't just get respect, by the way...)

Most importantly, don't cut out the people you love right now, next year. It is nearly impossible to maintain your close relationships. But it isn't impossible to pick them back up where you left off when you have time. If someone is truly your friend now, they will understand 100% that when you tell them you may not be able to call, e-mail, gchat, hang out with, etc. for a weeks, months, at a time. But be true to your word and make sure they know how much they mean to you, so they don't feel compelled to abandon you. Put yourself in their shoes, it would suck to lose a friend for a few months.

The moral of the story is, be true to yourself and always remember why you are in law school - know that this is a means to an end, an end that never really ends so long as your goal is to constantly develop professionally, intellectually, and personally. Law school is not as bad as it is made out to be, for many. But for some, it sucks. Don't let it suck for you. Use it to your advantage.

/rant.

I know my reader out there will discover that I've posted at some point. Ya, I'm talking to you. Sorry for my laziness.

Law school is draining. I think it's a combination of the rigorous work schedule + social schedule. There is an event - and I'm not talking about law students organizing on their own to go feed their alcoholism and other drug addictions - for every club under the sun every day of the week.

I don't have much time, for sleep or for posting, so I shall summarize in the form of a numbered list.

1. Type A's unite in law school. I wish I was not one.
2. Law prom. Because all those rejection letters from law firms aren't enough.
   
3. The library - best place to flirt without any negative repercussions. This is likely due to the unavailability of alcohol.
4. Spring break - I don't know anyone who studied, but I'm sure someone did.
   
5. Facebook has become the new outlet for emotionally distressed law students to tell everyone what's on their mind via their status, and it's quite entertaining. Especially when the status' reflect ridiculous song lyrics or are passive aggressive jabs at someone in class.
6. There comes a point when one is tired of hearing of others successes.
   
7. Being the butt of very public sexual innuendo jokes is tiring and beginning to make my girly parts reek of male-repellent.
   
8. I got so angry that I ran for 10 minutes. I do not run.
9. Law students like to advertise two things: how great they are and how much they suck. The curve for these competitions is harsher than the 1L curve.
   

Lucky reader of my blog, you receive two posts today! Generally I write many drafts that I never post, because mid way through writing something I lose motivation. But when the mood strikes, I must post.

So post number two goes something like this...

This semester of law school sucks, socially, because EVERYONE is coupling up and therefor DITCHING me.

No one wants to get to know one another anymore, no one is fun like they used to be. No one is even serious about studying. What they are serious about is hanging out with their lovers 24/7.

So, this gets me thinking, since I have no one of my liking to play footsie with at the library, what shall I do with my spare time?

What do single people do, by themselves?

I have some riveting tales of my adventures in I-want-love town. Too bad for me, one of the requirements for citizenship in said town is that you must actually want love. If you try and date a member of I-want-love town, without actually wanting love yourself, you get into some trouble. You see, all members of I-want-love town assume that you want love just as they do, however they do not tell you to stay away if you do not meet this requirement. Instead, they lie to you and tell you they do not want love either. What they want, however, is to go on dates with you, have sex with you, hold your hand, spend multiple nights a week with you, and also - they would like for you to please not see any other people. Is that not a relationship?

All goes well until one day, somebody is hurt by a seemingly little detail, such as - you did not sit next to them when they wanted you to (without telling you this was their desire) and after this incident, they overreact. Then, they blame you - you should have known. You are cruel. You are playing games with their heart.

That is when you realize you must run, run, run, as fast as you can away from them. I wish so badly to tell you my stories regarding this town, because they are good. Some of the characters I have met include: Mr. Manboobs, Mr. Lets ask all the girls I know on a date until I find one that sticks, Mr. I only have serious relationships, Mr. I spit when I talk and that means I own you, Mr. I'm hot as hell and will flirt with you but you should know that I'm engaged, and let us not forget Mr. Two dates equals a relationship.

I am a former citizen of Long-term Relationship town, and that town, while it looks more appealing with every passing day, unfortunately, I destroyed my membership card and thus cannot go back. Also, this is supposed to be for the best, right?

I respectfully retract my application (that I was unaware I submitted) to be a citizen of I-want-love town. Unfortunately, I do not want love. Sorry!

Please point me in the direction of I'm-afraid-of-commitment town, or maybe I-want-a-fuck-buddy town? If you are not sure where that is, could you possibly let me know where Crazy-Cat-Lady town is? Thanks!

I did better than I thought. I even scored the highest grade in a class. However, I also received a disappointing grade...but it was passing.

I do not know what to think of my grades. They do not seem special, and yet...they land me well in the top 3rd of the class. But is it good enough? Probably not.

Happy New Year!

I still have no grades. I am eagerly anticipating them now, even though I know I'll be disappointed in myself once I receive them all.

So I am really lagging on applying for jobs. I applied for one yesterday. I should have been applying during the whole month of December. That just seems so impractical though because of all the stress I was dealing with during finals. I have been editing my writing sample, and I have an modifiable cover letter, and a resume. But I am so unmotivated to do any of this. Especially considering the state of the economy and job market...there is no way I will get a paying job this summer. I predict more loans on the horizon...