13 July 2009

Variety of thoughts from the archives of the past year

Posted by Shake sense into me

I was thinking today about where I was a year ago from this day...

I was looking forward to my four year anniversary with my now ex-boyfriend.
I was looking forward to law school and really pumped to perform well.
I was anxious to move, and excited to meet new people.
I was envisioning where I would be right now...how proud I would be of myself.

There are numerous problems with thinking about where I was a year ago - all stemming from what happened in between then and now. The real gist of it is that I am not proud of myself at all, from more than just my performance in law school. I once was told that law students - former and current - carried scars with them from this whole experience, but I always brushed off those comments thinking that I knew how tough it was to work hard in school. I didn't realize that what those people meant goes deeper than working yourself to the bone. Sure, it all stems from law school. But the problems caused by law school, for me at least, are not contained within the walls of law school.

Ultimately, as my recent blogs indicate, I feel like a piece of shit. I will start with the first problem - the end of my long term relationship. I was the hugest proponent of thinking I could make my relationship work even though we would be in two different cities, and even though I would be working my ass off and not have much spare time, and even though nearly everyone told me I should not expect to make this relationship work while I was in law school. I was in love, I had spent nearly four years with the guy, and it was not as though we would be across the continent from one another. We'd only be hours away by car. I thought our relationship could withstand that. And to be completely honest, I thought that I would be the glue holding our relationship together, because I had done it before. I was cheated on by Long Term guy about 3 years ago, almost to the day. That means it was two years into our relationship. He didn't tell me for a looong time afterward, and my reaction to his confession was to hold him and tell him I understood why it happened, that I was hurt, but that I wanted to be there for him. When he told me he cheated, he told me for the sole purpose of breaking up with me. It was his reason. I wasn't ready - so I forced him to stay with me, our relationship grew a lot closer, and we stayed together. I thought we worked past it together then, but to be honest, I don't really know if that is true. I don't want to relive all of that, because it was a horrible experience, but the point was (although maybe it was lost) that I kept us together. Therefore I thought I could make it work during law school.

WRONG. I gave up once I moved and started law school. I know exactly why I gave up - I gave up for the possibility that there may be someone else out there. When I got to law school, my self esteem was low (it's always been low). I thought my ex was the best I could do. I wasn't particularly attracted to him like I thought I should be, but I absolutely loved him for who he was. There were things I didn't like about him, but I dealt with them and chalked it up to love not being what it's made out to be in movies. When I started law school, I was asked out on more dates than ever in my life (and let me tell you, it wasn't very many dates). I was flustered and thought that maybe I was selling myself short. I realized I wanted to have fun and party with my new friends, that I didn't want any responsibility (like having to report back to a boyfriend). He became a chore to me. I ended it.

I am not proud of how I came to that decision. When people whom I normally considered out of my league became interested in me, it went straight to my head. I reasoned with myself that this was the time to try something new; that now was the last time I could break up with a long term boyfriend and have the result be better. The hand dealt to me at this time was good.

That decision led to a series of poor decisions - Bobble-head guy, Stalker guy, and Creepster - just to name a few. [Bobble head guy presents a problem to this day. :( ]

I think now that if I had just stayed with the long term guy...I'd be in a better place. I'd have a support system locked in, and something I could depend upon. I would have a system in place to deal with all of the stress law school brings. I would have someone to celebrate my victories with, and someone to cry over my defeats to. But then again, I still desire something more than what I had with the long-term...I am only afraid that now that will never happen. Mostly, however, I am not proud of what I did to him. I forced him to go through something probably worse than what I went through after he cheated on me. I did to him what I thought I wasn't capable of - and I didn't cheat to do it. I just made a selfish decision. That is what I'm downright ashamed of. (Some of this is even evidenced by old posts from the fall of 08...).

This all sprung from me thinking of where I was a year from now...next post I will write about how disappointed I am in myself for my performance on the academic front. The moral of the story for all of this is that I am not pleasing the person I used to be before law school started, and that is really getting to me right now. It makes me wonder why I am doing this at all. As much as I love studying law, weaving law into neat little persuasive packages for my benefit, writing about law, and arguing over the details...at what expense am I pursuing this?

I do promise some funny stories on Bobble-head, Stalker, and Creepster...so stay tuned. Afterall, I must find something humorous in all of this in order for it to be worthwhile.


catatonicstormclouds said...

Thank you for being so honest. It is refreshing, albeit a bit sobering for me as a soon-to-be 1L who's bringing my boyfriend of 2.5 years along with me...

SillyLittle said...

While you may think back and play the "what if" game concerning whether you'd have a support system in the Long Term Guy, what's done is done. Sure it's great to have someone to share your victories with, but sometimes we have to be selfish. Don't be afraid of that. Stand tall and know that you did something for yourself. Maybe you feel that it might not have been the right decision for right now, but it probably was in the long run.

I promise you that at the end of these 3 years you will find yourself stronger for having to stand on your own through the good and the bad. (I only say this because I too went into law school with a solid relationship thinking that it would be steady and strong enough to last. It didn't make it past the end of first semester. But here we are 3 years later, and through the good times and bad I have learned to stand strong even when the world spun around me and tried to knock me down.) You can do it too. You will (eventually) be a better person for having survived all of this.

Elle Finch said...

Hello there; I'm a reader of your blog and I recently wrote a post about it. I'd like your approval before I post it publicly, and I couldn't find another way to contact you. Currently the post is password protected, so shoot me an email so I can give it to you for you to look at. My email address is elle.finch@gmail.com


Shazz said...

Love the blog...don't stop blogging. You are speaking thoughts out of my own head.