15 November 2009

Bear with me*

Posted by Shake sense into me

I have been thinking a lot lately about pain, hurt, tail-between-legs-and-head-hung-low reactions.

I know what pain causes - rifts in friendships, buried ill-will, silent treatments, shit-talking, ball-busting, name-calling. I know from experience on both sides, as I'm sure we all do.

It's always been a challenge for me to move on when I'm hurt by someone. Probably because I can't ever seem to muster up the courage to confront the problem. I know I will come off mad if I try. Instead, I bury, and avoid. And the other person reacts accordingly.

The test of true friendship in my world is when someone confronts me about what's going on, and tries to see my perspective - in spite of the challenge that brings. I've had one person in law school pass that "test." Not that I'm trying to test everyone.

I think part of my problem is that I am older than many of my law school counterparts. I mean, there are people in law school that were born in 1988. That's young. I haven't been forced to deal with silly bullshit like this since high school - which of course everyone says about law school (frankly, I'm tired of that comparison, it has become so cliche). I think it's sad. We all say "Law school is like high school" and move on as if that explains it and solves the problem. Why can't everyone just grow up a little bit, and recognize you are in a professional school, building professional relationships, and cut the crap. Why are we judged for not forging lasting relationships in law school? Surely our experience outside of law school should count for something inside law school.

No surprises here, I hate this place. I don't hate the people, but I hate the way they treat one another. I hate the way they find any excuse to get drunk and call it "socializing." I hate how the Student Bar Association only organizes events centering around alcohol consumption, and how the president is clearly in need of therapy and probably a stint in rehab. I hate how I'm only spoken to by people when they have no one else to speak to. I hate how I am judged by the guy who sits behind me when I check my personal e-mail on my computer, "I sit behind you, I know what you are doing." (Dude, shut the fuck up. I'm on top of my shit, get on top of yours and stop computer stalking me.) I hate how people are used by one another to get ahead - where they tolerate you for your smarts, your outline, your supplements, or your family who is comprised of hiring partners (mine is not).

The worst of it is, I know these aren't bad people. I know they are good, and capable of many awesome accomplishments or already have a few under their belts. But for some reason, when in this experience together, it brings out the worst. Anyway, it isn't one person who is hurting me, it's the combination of everyone, together, going through this grind, that is hurtful. I don't know if anyone else feels like it's one against everyone else, but that's what it feels like to me.

I've never felt this alone before in law school. Incidentally, this explains my blogging return.

*I never claimed to only post about law school, although this one is related as it has to do with the rollercoaster of law school friendships. I am not proud of all of this whining I've been doing, but I think others might be experiencing similar plights, and with that in mind, I write about it.


Eliza said...

LS is like HS and no one seems to want it to be better than that. I don't understand, but that may be because I am older as well. I am lucky that I don't live any where near my law school and the folks here are pretty accepting of an older gal. An incident my first semester (http://legalnumbness.blogspot.com/2007/10/stereotype-of-law-school.html) really upset me. I am not sure how I got over it. Maybe part of it was that for some of them, I felt sorry for them. I would never go back to my early to mid-twenties. And, a little part of me whispers, part of it might be that I feel a little superior (yeah, I shouldn't, but sometimes I am that shallow).

Anyway, keep your chin up. It may not get better, but it is only 3 years. Luckily, I have found most attorneys simply leave their LS selves behind.

John said...

This might be the most cynical thing ever, but I think you need to challenge the assumption that these are good people.

I have found that the people whom I respected throughout law school have acted no different now that they are done. And I've found that the people I didn't respect also act no different now than when they were in law school.