Somebody shake me, please

I haven't heard any snooty gossip or rumors (besides the silly ones I was took the brunt of when people thought I wasn't studying - really?  You really, truly believe I am not studying?  I'm in law school too, fool!) since the first week.  When we hang out, we can't stop complimenting each other.  There is very little talk of school or classes, besides jokes about professors comments and personalities.  No one has gotten sloppy drunk and made out (or not that I've heard of or seen) and no one has puked or broken a family heirloom at a house party.  Everyone has been really respectful (with a couple exceptions) and people seem genuinely interested in getting to know one another.  This reminds me of orientation week - before I was bombarded by law student silliness.  People are being nice, and I am liking them.  YAY!

But with good news, there comes the bad.  The pressure is finally seeping into my relationship with Jay.  It's really hard for me not to feel guilty when I am not studying.  So I am constantly planning what I am going to do next, when I can fit it in, who I need to talk to, what I need to do extra work for, etc.  When I am with him, which has been every single weekend thus far, I am not really there.  I'm pretty disconnected.  He's not too happy about this.  We aren't broken up as of now, and we aren't fighting - but there have been discussions.  Most 2Ls and 3Ls I've spoken to say that those in relationships should really get out of them now.  I am beginning to see why.  But it isn't easy to justify ending a 5 year relationship over law school.

Add to this my flirtatious personality.  That's right...I would never do anything, as I've been done before, but...the desire to be single is creeping up inside me.  I know in my heart I would still rather press on with Jay, because what we have is incredible.  There isn't a single person in my section (I have hardly met anyone outside of it, which is sad) that I would want to date over Jay, or even want to do anything intimate with over Jay.  But flirting...I want that.

Well, they are going.  They are going well.  I know what is going on.  It took me a lot of extra work, probably more than the average law student.  It's funny - they say that your LSAT score is supposed to predict your first year performance - but right now it seems the opposite.  Those that are struggling have seem to come from the top schools with top scores and those that aren't are the other category - mediocre school and scores.  I know it's all speculation so far, but it seems so easy to tell who will be at the top of my class right now.  I'm not on my own list, and that bugs me.  Ames is definitely on his own list, he always tells me how smart he is in comparison to others.  We will see how that goes.  He's the one person I want to perform better than.  Knowing him, since he is in a different section, if I perform better - he will say my classes must have been easier.  He's that kind of guy.  

Money sucks.  I've moved around money here and there and I just received an unexpected gift in the mail which will be put towards my debilitating credit card debt, but without that surprise check I don't know what I would do!  It isn't easy to live on loans, a lot of packed lunches, a lot of coupon clipping, and a lot of begging and pleading!